On Frail Wings Of Vanity and Wax

this is so sad..
im posting a blog on christmas, whist my family is sitting outside having lunch

My Hearts Desire

Im Not Leaving You Behind Baby; we'll make it out alive,
Im Not Leaving You Behind Baby; so take my hand
Side by Side

My Love; My World; My Everything; MY BEST FRIEND

She's going to hate me for keeping and posting this photo... but i love this photo, and i love her!

She's all i got left at the moment...

♥

It all started slowly...

feelings of emptiness, nothingness, lifelessness,

now it feels as if nothing in life matters anymore; as if im not living for anything,

i look forward to nothing, and every morning it pains me to wake,

this is becoming a struggle...

Where are we? What the hell is going on?

...and the downward spiral begins

Just know I'm doing something you ain't, simple and plain

i see the way you look at me now, i hear the stuff you say about me, it no longer affects me though,

Just know I'm doing something, you ain't, simple and plain

i hear you bitching about my marks, my attendance, my record; i hear you say I'm a fool for keeping at it,

Just know I'm doing something, you ain't, simple and plain

but i know I'm accomplishing more in life then you ever will, i know that I'm achieving my goals, I'm living life my way,

for every bad situation, something great comes out of it, yeahh, i had really bad year11, but my year 12 is going to blow you away,

i still lust for the day i can throw it all back in your face, but i know that is not yet upon us,

yeahh, you accomplished one of your dreams, but ask anyone, it wont last, at that point you will reach your lowest, you will realise how petty you have been, and at that point... it will all be too late,

"I got a life that you can't call luck, because it was a duty...
I'm more in a mind for reaching things that you can't
Just know I'm doing something, you ain't, simple and plain"

HERE COMES THE RANT!

this is just to get it off my chest; personal reasons

not essential to read...

you seriously have no reason to hate me; the only plausible reason I've heard sounds like something a 6year old would use,

and i believe that that's the best you've got,

you imitate me like a primary school child, you talk like a primary school child, you seriously need to grow up and learn that not everything revolves around you,

the day you realise your pettiness, you will realise the repercussions of your words,

when you spoke your immaturity and hatred on me, i turned it around,

yeahh, you and your mum have a good relationship, but you and your dad don't; I'm the opposite, so you have so say over that,

you said my mum didn't love nor care about me; stupid drama queen, and no offence, if you wanna be a psychologist, learn to see things for what they are,

Yeahh you have gone through a lot of rough stuff, but every situation is different for each person; your so single minded.

you used the 'come-back' at least i have a boyfriend and real friends,

yeahh, i don't have a boyfriend, but my life and my aspirations don't revolve around boys; and if i was to have a boyfriend, i would want him to treat me way better then you are treated; and yeahh, i don't know how you guys are now, but from what i know of before, i would prefer to be single then in that kinda relationship.

and the 'real friend' attack... GROW UP!

yeahh, i know/talk to a lot of people, but wake up to it, I'm a photographer, a business woman, i talk to 15+ people every day about photography alone,

and yeahh, your argument about not getting invited to my birthday, maybe if you had spoken to me in the 2months prior to my birthday, i would have been fine about it, but if your not going to talk to me, not listen to me, treat me like crap with i need your support and continually talk to me about your bf, don't expect an invite,

the '200+ people who i don't know' actually spoke to me, actually gave time away from being self centered to talk to me, get to know me, and yeahh, not many of them know everything about me, but they still spoke to me,

and not only is your reasoning pointless on that fact, but you also said 'well i heard it was s**t anyways'... if it was, then don't complain, theoretically, you didn't miss anything.

and whether i had the 200 people there or not, it was still one of the best birthdays ever, you may enjoy Barbie Parties and the like, but i enjoy hardcore music, hanging with friends, having a laugh; not everyone is like you, not everybody thinks the same as you.

and as for me being a 'drop-kick', it doesn't matter where I'm living, if I'm getting good marks, i deserve those marks, don't go having a bitch,

and im pretty sure you were the only one who was furious with my mark, don't go pulling your 'friends' into it.

if I'm living with a drug dealer in WoyWoy, or I'm living at home, or I'm living in the same circumstance as you, i can help getting those marks; its your failure, not mine.

and don't call me selfish, yeahh, I'm pretty well off, but the past few months have been anything but easy,

let alone the past year and half.

and as i remember it, you would come to my house in the afternoons, play on the Wii, take mac photos, by your self; i don't exactly want photos of you and your cleavage on my computer thank-you very much; and my extensions, you even expected me to give you some when i got new ones... if anything, you used me for my belongings, your the selfish one.

and the day you came over and you were upset, i set up a full afternoon of chocolate, lollies, The OC, i even did your hair and makeup, and i didn't even get a thankyou? SELFISH

i even lent you the OC dvds; they wernt even mine, i put so much trust in you and you threw it back in my face,

you need to grow up, pull your head in, and get on with life,

your living in your own little fantasy world where everything is perfect,

i cant wait for the day you see the world for what it really is..

this will probably seem like one big rant,

but i needed to get it off my chest, some of this was written straight after it happened, so the tense is all muddled.

i feel so much better now though :)

Oh God; Keep Me Grounded; I Dont Want To Let It Pull Me Under

I hate that you cant see that your words hurt me. You use it as it an excuse; cant you see it annoys me.

I see that it affected you a lot; anything of that magnitude would; but don't you see it affected me too?

and you repeating it doesn't make it any better better.

Do you really think I want to hear about it before i start work? Do you really think I ant to hear about it before I go to a gig? Do you really think I want to hear about it when I'm having a relaxing day at home?, No. I want to deal with it in my own way. I didn't completely deal with it after it happened, I'm only dealing with it now. You bitch about my lack of attendance to your friends, do you actually think about my situation?

I hate the fact that yell at the about every little imperfection in my life; I'm sorry i cant life the life you want me to live, I truly am.

Once you realise i have the upper-hand in the argument - you use your circumstance to compensate. It really irritates me.

Ok, your a widow, your stressed; but what about me; I'm a young girl who lost the most important person in her life, her inspiration. Yeahh, I don't show it that much - but i am feeling all the same emotions as you; please grow to see and respect that.

I really hate fighting with you; I get no pleasure from it. I hate it even more that you always bring Dad into it; but what i hate the most, is that i really don't want to be in this house anymore...

"I have so much strength in me; you have no idea; I have a Love in my life that makes me stronger then anything you can imagine"

The last week of my life has been one of the most amazing weeks of my life, and i believe its because of Jesus Christ.

Saturday - Exoday

Exoday always has such an impact on me, so many people living the same lifestyle - living to please God.

Growing up where you don't see that everyday, going to something like that always make me shiver, good shivers.

All the bands at the hardcore stage was amazing, seeing such passion burning in their heart, and expressing it in a way that involved all their passions.

I decided that was going to be me, i was going to stand up for my faith, admit it to world, yell it to the world, SCREAM it to the world,

my passion in life is photography - and that came from God.

The night service was even more moving - Reggie Dabs never fails to speak into the hearts of every person in the arena.

I knew that the central coast had a lot of christians, but not a packed train full. And a lot of people i never picked to be christians actually were, it was quite surreal, but so amazing.

Sunday - Wednesday

Exams and studying (lack there of),

it was really good to have some down time, time to reflect.

Thursday - WOW WOW WOW

After having such strong sermons through the past 2 months, and seeing as though i was posting photos of FOR TODAY, i thought i may as well add a cross to my logo - "I AM NOT ASHAMED!"; For Today.

i was reluctant to do this as many of the bands i photograph are not Christian based. I thought they might not like the symbolic reference of a cross on their images. I then came to the conclusion that if I'm photographing bands that aren't Christian, it shows I'm open to their beliefs - so why cant they be open to mine. If they cause a fuss over the logo - then i don't need their business.

Within 12hours of posting the photos - i had two opportunities for my photography open up.

i had been dreaming of achieving things like this, i never expected to actually achieve it.

because i took a step in faith - Jesus guided my step in life.

This would have been one of the best day of my life - not an exaggeration - apart from a stupid mistake - the devil trying to pull me away from my calling.

i now think back and wonder why i did it; i have no explanation - i guess you could call it my comfort, i hate the fact i call it that.

but friday - that all got turned around...

Friday - Youth

WOW! thats all i can really say.

Jesus moved in Hope Church last night.

I had been feeling like i wanted to get more involved in the church, become a youth leader, but i have the fear... i don't know what of.

Intensifire youth conference looks like it would be such an amazing experience, but everything i think about going i feel nervous, almost sick in the stomach.

but last night brought me into the realization that i am the one who has to make the effort, I'm the one who has to pursue it - God will support me.

Then the speaker brought up the issue i was fighting with thursday... my comfort in affection. I know im a flirty person, and i know i love affection, and i have always tried to control it, but i now realise i needed God to help me achieve this... This is where it gets... deep

During worship, after the extremely breaktaking sermon, i felt arm come around my stomach; the feeling it evoked was not like any human hug, i stood there, my waist feeling as it was on fire - but i didn't feel hot. I couldn't move, i just stood there, not singing or speaking, just enjoying the presence of God. As the feeling faded, i dropped to my knees - This was the most AMAZING feeling i had ever felt... I will never forget that night.

And now im left today to meditate on last night - it was so amazing i cant get my head around it - i dont think i ever will be able to - but having god come to me on such a personal level... all i can say is i pray that he reveals himself to you as he has to me...

GiseleGreta♥

Photography

The other day someone asked me;

"What makes a good photographer?"

I didn't really know what to reply, it wasn't the body of the camera, that only controls the resolution and clarity of the image, it wasn't the lenses and filters, because every lense/filter is different and everyone uses them differently.

i came to the answer of it being a personal thing; the ways someone sees an image.

but is that solely that?

if someone was to reenact an image, they could get an image very similar with no skill what so ever,

so is a photographer classified as 'good' because of sheer luck of being in the right place at the right time?

having the knowledge of how to use a camera is not what makes a good photographer,

it is their eye, the way they see something, thats how i explained to to another friend a few weeks earlier.

i became quite stumped as to how much of a hole i had dug myself, everything was lead to something else,

and it all ended up being one big circle,

so i wana know... What do you think makes a good photographer?